I am looking for a flat and have viewed 21 places. They ranged from the late gothic and unrestored, to penthouse suites at +US$ 5,000 a month! They must think I'm a sodding, gum "vressing" American or something. Anyway, after 21 places I called it quits and decided to choose from a short list I had made. The flat's spec is something like this:

JANOVSKÉHO 36/919, PRAGUE 7

1. Area : Prague 7
   • Not very trendy (ie. neither Waterkloof nor Melville).
   • Not Proclemation Hill either.
2. Floor Area : 93 square metres.
3. Rooms : 2 Bedrooms, Living Room, Large Kitchen, Bathroom, Separate toilet.
4. Kitchen : Western Standard, including:
   • Gas Stove/Oven
   • Dishwasher
   • Extractor Fan
   • Kitchen Cupboards
   • Small Fridge/Freezer
5. Washing Machine : No
6. Tumble Drier : No
7. Carpets : Yes; New - lime green (matches building).
8. Central Heating : Yes; Own gas boiler (new) which also provides hot water.
9. Satellite TV : Yes (CNN, EuroSport, EuroNews, Cartoon Channel, NBC SuperChannel and about 20 German, Austrian, Dutch and Spanish channels; also cable link to FilmNet (ie. M-Net's company) and others. ie. We do not need to buy a dish, but if we need other channels we may need to buy an additional decoder.
10. Phone : Yes, Private line.
11. Garage : Yes (Lock-up, communal, under roof, secure; VERY uncommon in Prague)
12. Separate shower : No; but extension in the bath. No mirror in the bathroom.
13. Furnished : No
14. Cupboards : None
15. Light Fittings : No
16. Building Floor : Fourth floor (only penthouse above).
17. Balcony : No
18. Elevator : Yes
19. Building : Entire complex completely refurbished to western standards. Accordingly it has lost some of it's "old world" charm.
    • Very well renovated both outside and in, but a little sterile.
    • The building is called "U Kohouta" which means "The Cock". Is this relevant at the moment or what!!
20. View : Front = Restored building across road! Back = Older buildings, some open space; distant trees.
21. Access Control : Electronic/Intercom (new).
22. Distance Office : 20 Minutes walk; 5 Minutes by car; 10 Minutes by tram or metro.
23. Public Transport : Trams 1 block away; Metro 4 blocks away.
24. Shops/Bars, etc : Close to a major shopping street.
    • Many new bars opening up in this area, including "O'Briens", Prague's 3rd Irish pub situated on the ground floor of the building.
    • Close to two major concert venues.
25. Green Belt : Prague's biggest park 2 blocks away.
26. Monthly Rent : About equivalent to SA's GDP !!
27. Terms : Quarterly payments in advance.
28. Poss. Problems : Disco in cellar under the building (20h00 - 06h00). The pub on the ground floor (closes at 01h00).

The pub beneath the flat serves a mean Pint of Guinness - that should get Mister Smith and old Viracocha (ie. Moto Guzmán) over here like a shot (with Debs Corianda leading the way)! As the flat is not furnished it's going to cost me loads to buy the stuff I need. Because of this Debs and I have decided to ship some items from SA to Praha. First on the list is the new video and hi-fi that we recently squeezed out of Santam (after the mother f-ing, c--k sucking burglary). Aaaaaaah. The hills will be alive with the sounds of Foetus! With songs we have sung for a thousand years.

Sunday, November 26, 1995 @ 17h00

Last week I spent six days in Spain. The objective was to attend the European HR Partners' Meeting in Madrid, but I made sure to fly down the weekend before and to leave a day later. 25°C...sheer bliss; all praise to the Lord Viracocha! The temperatures were high, the titas grandé, and the mini's above the panty-line. It was Guzmán paradise! Holger would also have been in his element as the bikers were copious and helmetless (ek se). "Ever been picked up by the fuzz..." Leentjie?

On the Saturday evening I managed to track down a ticket scalper and bought a black market ticket for the Real Madrid vs. Atletico Madrid game at Real's home stadium. Incredible to see 104,000 aggressive Madriditas trying to tear each other's throats out! The riot police were there with kevlar helmets, batons, perspex shields and tear gas, and there were almost as many of them as there were spectators. The Atletico supporters were in a razor wire enclosure, and had to be in the stadium at least 1 hour before the Real supporters arrived. Similarly they were only let out of their pound an hour after the Real supporters had left. Nice bunch of guys these Atletico yobs - they were flying swastikas and were armed to the teeth. If one by accident walked within chucking distance, one received a hail of coins, bottles and cans to the head. In fact there were so many coins in the air at any one time that I'm sure it would be enough to pay off to balance SA's budget! Scary stuff. I shot some video to show you all. Kaiser Chiefs versus Orlando Pirates is like a walk in the park. Oh yeah, they played some soccer too with Real winning 1-0.

On the Sunday I caught a train down to the 2,000 year old walled city of Toledo. It was pretty and old, and fairly commercialised. A big Catholic cathedral where Guzmán used to worship. And I'm not joking - you see the great one's name all over the place in both Toledo and Madrid. In fact Migs (being as big as a train [but unfortunately not as long]) also has a station in the Madrid Metro named after him! He's so modest...in Spain he was the saviour; in SA he's just the suiper!

Spain would be great if they got rid of all the Spanish people ;-). Who the hell can understand what's going on? I didn't get very far by saving "Concha tu Madré" to everyone, but the old request for "Cerveza grandé" came in very handy. I must admit that I ate and drank far too much in Madrid - all self control was thrown to the wind, and I suffered from heart burn for just about the first time since finishing my last exams at university.

I stayed at the only Holiday Inn in Spain, and got to see the SA rugby team thumping the Poms at Twickenham on Sky. Likewise I endeavoured to watch the cricket from Centurion Park and was thrilled to see that it was rained out - hey, it must have been absolute chaos on the ice-rink to Johannesburg in the mornings. I guess Debs, Leentjie and Holger were only getting home at 10 in the evening as well! I also had access to a pay-per-view porno channel and clocked up a small bill of about 335,871 Pesetas (i.e. about, plus-minus, more or less R 10,177.91). Well, it's been almost six weeks you know!

Princess Diana did her thing on TV as well. Interesting. On a scale of 1 to 10 I still think I would give her one! To hell with Princess Charles, Damon Fuck-knuckle Hill and Mansell-scum. Believe me I'm not a bigot, but...

The best part of Madrid was the wine! I had top class Rioja's until I was weeing the stuff! Migs, I had some CUNE Imperial Reserva 1987 - mother's milk! Many others I can't remember - the firm was paying of course! However, I decided not to bring any back to Prague with me as I already had too much to carry with me (actually I could not afford to buy the really good wines that I wanted)!

Leana and Sak will be keen to hear that I went down to the Prado Museum where I spent an afternoon tracking down some of the great classic (nude) works of Spanish art. El Grecco, Raphael, Rubens, and a really square bottle of Olmeca tequila. It was so-so; I've probably seen better at Magnolia Dell on a Saturday morning. And they DIDN'T HAVE ONE STUFFING DALI!! I mean, the man was Spanish right?! The Bed & Breakfast at which I am staying in Prague is called "The Salvador", and you can buy dozens of Dali originals in Prague but, NO, the Spanish laugh him off and head for the bloody bull-fight! Pisses me off. Saw a bullfight live on TV as well (between the off colour stuff). Enough to put me off biltong for life (well almost). Interesting to note that in Spain the newspaper reports on bullfights are presented under the arts column as opposed to the (blood)sports column! Let's send all the Spaniards to England as well!

In fact it was good to get back to Prague. The lifestyle is certainly more laid-back than in Madrid, the prices are a hell-of-a-lot lower, and the beer is much better. In fact Madrid has very little to distinguish it from any other large old world metropolis. Too many people spit on the pavement (did I hear an American tourist say "Oh look, someone's dropped a load of oysters on the pavement!"), dog shit abounds, the traffic and pollution is overwhelming, and the women are (generally) gorgeous. There are some real dogs too! I must say in it's favour that Madrid has probably the biggest and best underground (Metro) network I have seen. Very clean and efficient apart from a few dozen oysters or so! In fact I think I saw more Peruvian musicians on the Metro and/or in the stations than Dorita and I saw in Peruanos itself! It seems to be an export market hey Migs?

By the way, I did some work in Spain as well.

So I get up at 04h30 to catch the flight back to Praha via Frankfurt. Get to Madrid airport, get on the plane, arrive in Frankfurt, and spend 3 hours sitting around because of a delay (the usual "Fok ofer Prague" as the announcer kept on saying). Wanted to buy loads of watches and things at Frankfurt Duty Free, but had to control myself. Remember that my last payday was at the end of September! Eventually we board the Czech Airlines flight to Praha and land there an hour and 15 minutes later. I am one of the first people off, manage to wangle my way through passport control, and end up waiting at the luggage carousel. Half an hour later everyone else has gone, my luggage still has not appeared, and the carousel gets switched off. Fucking marvellous!

I report to the lost luggage people (who speak only Czech and Outer Mongolian) and try to explain as calmly as I can. After much too-ing and fro-ing the find out that my bag is still in fucking Frankfurt. Now I ask you with blood, snot and tears in my eyes, who the hell do these bloody Germans think they are? They delay me for three hours in Frankfurt, refuse to give me a boarding pass because they know that if the flight is cancelled they will have to provide me with accommodation for the night, price their watches too high, do not apologise for the delay, don't have any boerewors or biltong, and then GO AND LOSE MY FUCKING BAGGAGE!! These mother-suckers had three stinking hours to get my bag onto the little CSA aircraft. That's not too difficult is it? IS IT!! Bonehead Krauts. Send them to England together with the Spaniards and Poms :-)) !

Two days later I was still wearing plakkies and shorts to work, had been unable to change the oil in my hair or scrape the stubble off my face. I wanted to cotch when I smelt my own BO, but I refused to spend any more money because some cursed neo-fascist in the Fatherland didn't like my suitcase. I think they call it cutting off your nose to spite your face. In any event, the bag eventually arrived in Prague, but the garlic-eating snot-nosed assholes at the airport deliver it to the wrong address. Bloody hell - send them to the island off the west coast of France as well.

Yesterday I spent the morning doing one of my all time favourite things - washing my filthy, pimple stained, sweat sodden, reeking, fly infested clothes. You can tell I really enjoy it. Lug the stuff all the way to the laundromat, load the washer, watch the machine, load the dryer, watch the machine, lug the stuff back home, do the f-ing ironing. Decided not to do ironing yesterday, so I'm going to have a wild night tonight. In fact I'd rather do ironing than go to London, Marid, Frankfurt or the Fridge! Bastards!

Enough of this deep stuff. Since arriving in Prague on October 25 I have been quite busy, and have had some wild evenings. I have had far to many late nights, and the alcohol here just seems to be a lot more potent that the SA stuff. Korsakoff rules supreme in Praha! A couple of weeks back I met with Viracocha's friend and colleague, J.Y., who is the Third Secretary in the Peruvian Embassy. He and I went to a Spanish restaurant where we met up with some people from the Spanish Embassy. Much pivo (ie. beer) flowed! He and I then moved on to the apartment with the green carpets to do some research into whether the noise from the pub and disco would be a problem. The pub there is really great, and we enjoyed many more pivo's. We also went down into the Jacqueline's style disco where the jam was really being pumped (my kind of music of course...mmmmm...J.Y. and I lasted 30 seconds and then left). However, up on the street one can hear absolutely nothing.

J.Y. and I then went on to "Rhapsody", a pub where he hangs out and is treated like a real VIP. We walked in and without even a word were presented with two glasses, a bucket of ice, and a bottle of Johnny Walker. Apparently J.Y. buys bottles in advance and this just simplifies things when it comes to paying. This bar is just one block away from the green carpet flat and is staffed by some pretty Czechies! You're not going to believe this, but J.Y's favourite is a young lady named Andrea - just like Guzzi's's at the Keg! At about 2am, and being reasonably gaar, we decided to go back to J.Y's place, have a few drinks and give Moto Guzmán a call. At about 03h30 we did so and thus managed to wake Migs at 04h30 South African time. He was pretty wasted as well, but it was nevertheless good to talk to him.

The following day J.Y. called and said I should come and meet him and some of his friends at one of the friend's apartments. When I arrived at the wonderfully decorated flat, I was introduced to all the Spanish speakers present. They were from the Argentinean, Spanish and Peruvian embassies. The flat is owned by an Argentinean by the name of Horacio who, with his wife, spent a number of years at the embassy in Nairobi. He is also an avid scuba diver and is keen to get back into it in the Czech Republic.

A couple of whiskey's later and we all piled into cars and sped off the home of a guy from the Spanish Embassy where the party proceeded. J.Y. and his wife produced a bottle of Pisco declaring that they were going to make Pisco Sours, but that they actually did not know how to make them. Pautz to the rescue, and I whipped up 24 piscos for the 12 people present. They were immediately christened "Pisco Sud Afrikana" and were well received.

At the party I also met a Russian lady who runs a very successful interior decorating and furniture business. An excellent contact when Debs and I eventually get a home to live in! She said to one of the other women there that she is keen to learn Spanish dancing (she had been trying to do it all evening) and I mentioned Débra's skills to her. At that she grabbed my shoulder and said that I must promise that Dorita will give her private lessons! She then told all the other Spanish women who had a little bun-fight over who would be next in line for lessons! They assured me that there would be at least 15 women in their social circle who would want to take Spanish lessons, and were already getting into the detail of forming a Spanish dance society! If Débra does not get a job in HR, I think she'll be able to coin it with the Spaniards and aspirant Spaniards.

At the party I consumed the greatest Rioja I had ever tasted (prior to my visit to Spain) - from the cellar of the ambassador. Once I was finished, we all jumped into our cars and went to the Spanish restaurant in town where we were ushered in like VIP's through a back entrance (the place was closed and other people were being turned away). The owner wants Debbie to dance in the restaurant as well, so it looks like she's going to have to pack in all of her gear!

The weather sucks at the moment. Around 0°C during the day and piep klein at night. Nevertheless being a relative virgin in Prague, I force myself to get out and see things. It has snowed twice since my arrival and I wish that I could record the cold on video! The Czechs reckon that this is nothing - it's going to get a hell of a lot worse. I must see at least half a dozen locals eating ice-cream every day! I would send them to England too if I wasn't so cold.

Prague castle is magic, and it is great not to feel pressured to see everything - I'm sure that Debs and I will be spending many weekends up there. I visited a photographic exhibition there, as well as an exhibition of ancient books and manuscripts presented by the royal archive. Both were top class, memorable presentations. Down on Golden Lane I visited an antique shop where I came across a framed map of the Prussian/Pomeranian region dated 1850. Pautz left there in 1857 so it is from his era. In another map shop in town I have found a larger scale version featuring Wisbu and am very tempted to buy it. Save you bastard, save!!

Hey, at last I've joined the 20th Century and am on the Internet! Here in the office we have one dedicated machine for all members of staff to use, but I believe that it's only myself and three or four others who are doing so at the moment. We are currently setting up our own home page so you'll all be able to read about D&T in the Czech Republic "online" one of these days. My first tentative attempts at contacting people were to the blessed Viracocha, Harties and Leentjie - all were successful so I know the sucker works. The only problem is that the Internet machine stands in a busy corridor with absolutely no privacy! Any knuckle can see what I'm writing and to who. In future I think that I'll write documents in Word (for Windows) and attach the file to my E-Mail message on the Internet. In fact I'm going to experiment with this document and send it to the three fellow surfers mentioned above.

Next week I hope to be getting my new notebook computer. It will have all the bells & whistles, but I guess that I'll have to buy my own CD-Rom and arrange my own private Internet address so that I can surf from home. They don't seem to enjoy me looking at the alt.sex. bestiality.hamster.duct-tape or alt.sex.fetish.cost.benefit.analysis pages! (joke, geddit?)

Miguel, you can't be serious about Plett! I've spent half a dozen Christmas vacations there and can assure you that you (of all people) DO NOT want to be there at that time of year. It's great out of season - The Archerwood, Formosa Inn, Beacon Isle, Nature's Valley, Keurbooms, etc, etc. However, come the CHRISTIAN holiday of Christmas, Plett becomes Sandton by the sea. No pork to be seen for a 100 km radius. More gold per square metre on Hobie beach than Western Deep Levels mine! The whole of Kugeldom and Bageldom spends (and spends big) it's vacation's there. You know the whining accent: "Soooo, you going to Plett again this year doll......? Ohhh, is itttt?!". Fuck, spare me. Never again. And with the Holy Viracocha's well known links with Palestine, he would certainly be respectfully advised to avoid Xmas Plett like the plague. It's not called "Sandton-by-the-Sea" for nothing, doll. And everyone is just sooooo trendy, sweating Rands from every sun-bronzed pore. Send them all to England as well.

Well, enough of these pleasantries, I have to go. It's 18h50 and I need to buy a Staropramen and some good food. Eating out is such a pleasure here - incredibly cheap and incredibly good as well. Enjoy your [email protected] suckers! I cant wait for next week - the 31st is payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, payday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday, I'm OK.....OK, Baai! It's been almost six weeks you know!

Love,

MAREK PUSTY

PS. I am doing some work as well.