Understanding Rêllies in Three Easy Lessons

To understand why bike hire firms are not keen to provide bikes to riders who attend local rallies, you have to understand what these get-togethers are all about. And because some of you obviously have not had the opportunity to partake in these curious South African events, I'll try to explain.

A South African Biker Rally (pronounced "rêllie") is not an off-road race at all. Although the spirit of competition is not always absent (see below). It is, in fact, a weekend gathering of hundreds and, in some cases, some ten thousand motorcycle riders, at a very large camping ground.

Rêllies have names in South Africa. There's the "Buff" - the bike speak term for the Buffalo Rally. That's the big (10K) one, the mother of all rallies. Others are the Rhino, the Impala, the Springbok and the Paradise Rally, but the first lesson you must learn is that these names should not lull you into false visualization of pastoral scenes with frolicking antelope and quietly grazing fauna.

When you decide to go to a rêllie, you complete the little form, taking care to indicate your T-shirt size. But there's a trick to that too. If you are a real South African biker, you lie about your size by choosing one several sizes bigger than what you really are. And you order one several sizes smaller than the true size for your biker chic.

But let us not sweat over the small stuff.

After faxing in your registration form, you pack your bike, fetch your biker chic and set off for the camping ground. The further you need to travel, the better, because the length of your willy is obviously influenced by the number of kms you had to travel to get there. This is no small matter, for in South Africa, such distances could easily constitute 2,000 kms or more, but again, we are digressing.

Now for some very important pointers about arriving at the rally, because the kind of entrance you make is crucial to the perception of the length of your willy:

• Rev your bike a lot, and as close to the red line as possible. As a matter of fact, do that all through the weekend. If you engine overheats and your bike catches fire, don't worry (see below).

• Break out your bottle of Klipdrift Brandy even before you bring your bike to a stop at your chosen place of tent-pitching, bite the cap off with your teeth and spit it rolling across the virgin lawn.

• Ignore your biker chic in public from that moment on.

• Use biker vernacular. Two words are absolutely essential. "Fok". And "Broer". As a matter of fact, those are the only two words you really need all weekend long. They can be used either as a combination: "Fok, broer." (when you pass along your own zol (toke/grass/Mary Jane) or accept one from a broer, ogle a broer's new bike, rat bike, burnt-out bike, burn-out, wheelie, donut, or the breasts of a broer's biker chic. In the latter case, just utter it very softly if you don't want your face broken.) The words can also be used in solidum. "Fok" is really great, because with variations of inflection, you can be thoughtful, philosophical, aggressive or sexy, depending on the situation. "Broer" is almost as versatile.

• Ignore your chic in public.

• Use biker vernacular.

• Scratch your crotch a lot.

• Drink hard liquor constantly.

• Treat your bike with absolute disdain. Even if it is a brand new R100,000, blueprinted, custom spray-paint job. As a matter of fact, especially if it is.

• Pretend to be really into the very, very loud rock music blaring from bad quality loudspeakers every moment of the day and night.

• Rev your bike. (If you can't rev it louder than the rock music (see above), your willie will shrink.)

• Do donuts. (That's when you sit in the bike, grip the front brake tightly, slip her into gear and turn on the juice. The back wheel must burn a perfect circle on the tarmac.

• Do a burn-out. That's doing a donut until the back tire catches fire or explodes.

• Set your bike on fire. If it is an old bike, this is easier to do. If it is a new bike, drink more hard liquor.

• Take part in the Biker Games. There's the slow race, bike polo, there's tire throwing and burping (if you can't burp louder or longer than the current rock song blaring through the low quality loudspeakers, your willy will shrink.) Remember the spirit of competition as mentioned above?

• Take part in the mass ride. This is really the super moment of any rêllie. All the guys and gals get on their bikes and ride to the nearest small town, rev up their machines, and slowly drive through main street. You must look very fierce, you must smell bad and your biker chic's t-shirt should be too small (see above) and wet.

• Take part in the prize giving if you can still stand.